Feature Friday for today, Amy Davidson!
*possible trigger warning- miscarriage*
Why this tattoo?
In 2006 Scott and I discovered we were expecting a baby! We could hardly contain our excitement and wonder! It had taken almost a year for us to get pregnant. We started thinking, planning, dreaming, hoping.
At 13 weeks we found out I was having a miscarriage, we were losing our baby. There are no words to describe the devastation, heartbreak and disbelief that we felt. How could God “do this to us” when we were “good people”? How could he allow this? Where was God? Did He forsake us? Did he not see “all that we were doing for him!?” Did He forget about us? Of course He hadn’t. But in our grief and pain, we had major doubts about all truth we’d ever known. Sad to say, we doubted God. Completely.
I vividly remember sitting and talking with my mom and telling her that if God had allowed this in our lives in order for us to be able to help others or relate to others, that I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be “used by God to help others”. I just wanted my baby.
What followed in the next 5 months was deep depression, sadness, longing, emptiness. We grieved the future. We grieved things we’d never get to experience with our little one. It took a while for me to stop blaming God. What happened over the next while was nothing short of a miracle. The Lord gently turned my heart back to him and softened my heart once again to Him and his love. He had never left. It was me who had turned from him. I was reading a book that referred to positive thinking and thanking God for things. Sounds simple but it wasn’t. I was so full of grief that I found it difficult to verbalize being thankful for ANYthing. I decided to at least try being thankful for things, even the smallest of things and just telling God I was thankful for __________ . In my repeated thankfulness, small as it was, I began to heal and find hope again. God carried me through those dark days, the darkest I’ve experienced to date. God breathed life in me again. He gave me hope again.
This verse tattoo “and if not HE is still good” comes from the book of Daniel in the Bible and my friend Megan , is actually the one who shared it with me. It is so applicable to our loss of our baby, and will be applicable all throughout my hubby and my life, no matter what struggles come our way. The symbol tattoo is the “mother/child” infinity sign, a memorial tattoo to our little one. I will always love my baby. Could I say “HE is still good” when we first lost our baby? Absolutely not. Sadly, it took a while for me to feel confident in that but I’m making progress and today I can say “HE is still good”.